Do We Really Love?

About twenty three months back I wrote about love. A friend I mentioned found love to be a mere manifestation of the human psyche. He wasn’t ‘in love’ then. I was. Now, he’s ‘in love’. I’m not. Now he believes in love. He thinks ‘falling in love’ is real. I don’t. The table has turned. One’s belief in something changes with situation.

I still believe in the platonic aspect of love – that love is having unconditional affection for someone. Nevertheless, ‘unconditional affection’ seems oxymoronic. It is so difficult to be affectionate without condition. You love someone without a condition, without a purpose? You love someone and don’t want anything?

Let’s take some examples. Your parents love you unconditionally (in most cases). They love you for what you are, even if you aren’t exactly what they want you to be. However, do they love you without wanting to fulfill their desire of seeing you happy, which in turn makes them happy? Would they love you as an unhappy, discontented, displeased person? Is it not that they want you to be happy, rather to genuinely appear happy to them?

The same applies to friends, siblings, etc.

Coming to the girlfriend-boyfriend love, what’s the difference? If you’re committed, you love your girlfriend/boyfriend. You want her/him to be happy. You are ready to do anything (well, almost) to achieve that end. However, would you love to see your girlfriend/boyfriend unhappy, discontented, and displeased?

We want our loved ones to be happy. We are ready to move mountains for that. But do we really want them happy, or do we want them to appear genuinely happy to us? How do we know what actually makes them happy? We assume that what we think will make them happy will actually make them happy. In an effort to achieve this, we try to change them to what we would like them to be, because we think that is what is best for them. But who are we to decide what is best for them? They are living individuals, not programmed robots. Sometimes we are more experienced, but the lesson learnt from the experience does not necessarily apply to our loved ones.

This is what leads to ‘generation gap’. This is what leads to interference in our ‘loved’ ones’ lives.

In other words, we don’t love people. We love what we want them to be. Truly unconditional affection is rare.

Love

Love, according to one of my friends is merely a manifestation of the human psyche. It is just a way of defining a relationship. It is just a concept, not something that exists, similar to the concept of infinity in the number system. I’m afraid anyone who harbours such or similar opinions is closing his/her eyes to the best thing in the world – love. Love is real. It definitely exists.

Love, is however misinterpreted by many. People tend to classify love in several types – love between parent and child, love between siblings, love between girlfriend and boyfriend (also sometimes referred to as sexual love), love between close friends, etc. Love is actually the same in all cases. It is deep affection for someone and being unconditional in this affection. That is why the same word “love” is used in all cases.

Our parents “love” us unconditionally. They accept us as we are. They may not appreciate several of our characteristics, but that does not make them refrain from loving us. Even if a child acts in ways his/her parents do not approve of, the parents still love him/her, still care for him/her. The same thing can be said for siblings and friends.

The love between girlfriend and boyfriend is often mistaken as merely lust. This is not so. If there is “love” in the true sense of the word, then both must accept each other the way he/she is and have unconditional affection for him/her. Those who think fidelity is love are highly mistaken. One who breaks up with his/her partner for interacting with members of the opposite sex has never learned to love. Such a person has not even learnt trust – the basic precondition for love. A person who “falls in love” just by looking at someone is again someone who is alien to love. Such a person is just using the word “love” for infatuation.

Love requires trust, affection, fondness, sacrifice and several other things. Mere endowment of earthly things is not love. Love goes much beyond all this. Love involves being happy for the other person, sharing his/her joys and sorrows, caring, etc.

Love is the best thing in the world. It is probably the reason why we as humans haven’t rendered ourselves extinct.