Raw thoughts

It's the end. You're free. Free from everything. Free from things you wanted to break away from. Free also from the things you held dearest. Free from the basis of your life. You're nothing. In no way can you influence the things/people you have been separated from. You are free from liking/disliking the situation. Freedom from everything makes you nothing.

Death.

You're alive. You like several things in your life. You dislike so many things in your life. The thought of being separated from all this is so scary. Imagine being nothing at all. Being a mere name, spoken by a few. Being buried into mud, with micro organisms feeding on you; or being burned to ashes. Death is like the end. You simply don't exist anymore. You can't interact with people you love(d).

It is natural to lament. You lament that you have limited time with the people you love. Someday they're going to die, and someday you're going to die. You will not be together after that.

Then you first face it. Someone close to you dies. You can't interact with him/her in any known way, as long as you're alive. You aren't even sure of being together after you die. Nothing is certain. You time with your loved one is over. Nothing known can get him/her back. You stop caring. Life seems a joke. Nothing seems real.

You can't imagine him/her being nothing. Being non existent. You ponder about after life.

Somewhere down the line you think that life is like a journey, but you wonder about the destination. You love your fellow "travelers" (you loved ones). But you realize that they were just like the people you meet on an train/airplane ride, albeit this time the ride is through time and not space.

You think about the sets of friends you had in primary school, the ones you had at secondary school, the ones you had at senior secondary school, the ones you had at college, the ones you had after that. You see the analogy. Nothing stays. No association is permanent. You recall your first girlfriend/boyfriend. You still wonder how/why you broke up. You think about all the subsequent such relationships you've had. You realize that someday you'll be free from all this.

You think that death is the the end of everything. After more pondering you feel it is like the end of a vacation, the only difference being you don't know anything what happens when school/college/work restarts. You don't even know where, when and with what you'll end up with. The uncertainty makes you want to live. But you don't care. You miss your loved one(s) who have "crossed the fence". You long for the "other side of the fence" hoping that you're with your loved one again. But, there is no indication to confirm or refute that.

You live on, not knowing anything, except that one day you'll cross the fence.